Why did philosophers of different schools cross the road?

Why did the Epicurean cross the road? Atoms randomly swerving made her do it.

Why did the Stoic cross the road? Because of rigid determinism.

Why did the Cynic cross the road? To go to the market place and shamelessly publicly masturbate.

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Ontologies

Stoics: there is only the fiery Logos and its providence
Epicureans: there is only the atoms and the void
Aristotle: there is exactly five elements and earth is at the center of all the elements
Plato: there is only abstract entities and matter is an illusion
Skeptics: it is impossible to know what is
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Diogenes the Cynic: there is only this barrel. It’s a really nice urn, it keeps me sheltered at night. It’s made of the finest ceramic.
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