Why was the cooking competition so terrible to watch between a Platonist, a Stoic, and an Epicurean?

The Epicurean made a really good chicken Marsala but she started dividing it up into its constituent atoms since she reasoned that everything really was atoms and the void. She spent the rest of the competition just slicing and dicing, trying to get to the indivisible atoms.

The Stoic had the job of making BBQ chicken wings. This seemed manageable at first but the Stoic couldn‘t do it because it wasn’t in his power. He judged the bbq chicken wings as a preferred indifferent. But since it wasn’t in his power, he couldn’t make it. But he was very virtuous though.

The Platonist was making crab salad but every time she was done making it, she’d take it back to her table and try to perfect it until it was the Form of crab salad. Eventually she just threw it away and served the judges her recipe, which she said represented the true form of crab salad not a cheap imitation.



Plato: Properties like white and red are universals that exist beyond material objects but they do participate in them.

Aristotle: Properties like white and red are universals that exist only in material objects.

Stoics: Properties like white and red are just words we give a collection of white and red objects. At best they exist in the mind.
Diogenes: I pissed off Plato the other day. I plucked a chicken and took it to the Academy and said, “this is your featherless biped.” His face went from white to red.


How did the ancient Greek philosophers get over their stage fright?

How did the Sophist get over his stage fright?

He imagined the crowd naked.

How did the Epicurean?

She imagined the crowd was just atoms and void. How can mere atoms and void be scary?

How did the Platonist?

He imagined that the crowd was just shadows on the wall of the cave. The crowd is just a less real version of the World of Forms.

How did the Stoic?

She just imagined the crowd as mean, judgmental, coarse in language, and throwing fruit at her while she imagined herself indifferent to this. After the brief visualization, the crowd before her seemed much more tame and manageable.

How did the Cyrenaic?

He just drank from his bottle of wine between lines he had to recite.

How did the Cynic?
She imagined herself naked and then proceeded to get naked. The crowd yelled, “you have no shame!” and began throwing fruit. She then responded by peeing on the stage floor. She took a quick bow and threw her menstrual rag into the crowd and exited stage right.